Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of The Ooze Movie Critique

Ice Ice Ninja

All right stop
Collaborate and listen
Noah is back with a brand new edition
Of TMNT Secret of the Ooze
Excuse me while I hit the snooze
Will it ever stop?
Yo, I don’t know
Smash that Like yeah you know
To the extreme, I rock the keyboard like a handful
Light up the forum and wax a blog like a damn fool

Why I Tortured Myself

See I can make up dumb lyrics like this idiot. Seriously how did guy achieve fame when there was way more talented Hip-Hop artists like Public Enemy, Eric B & Rakim, NWA, LL Cool J, you see I could go on and on. But I never intended this blog post to be a Vanilla Ice bashing so let’s get to the real travesty of it all, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. Oh and by the way Mr. Ice Ice Baby you still ripped off Queen’s Under Pressure even if you changed the beat slightly.

This is the song you ripped off Vanilla Ice.

Where's the Action?

After the success of the first Ninja Turtles movie, plans to release a sequel were quickly formulating because you know it’s all about the money. The film starts out with some annoying pizza delivery boy name Keno who stands his ground when he ambushed by a group of thugs, but he is saved by the Ninja Turtles in the nick of time.

The Turtles and their master Splinter are crashing at April O’Neil’s apartment and she doesn’t seem to mind that they are making a mess of the place. I mean if I had a roommate that picked up my shit without giving me shit then why would  I want to leave. Even though Splinter is the mature leader who has respect for other people’s property he still outnumbered by the four immature turtles.

 

April interviews Professor Buzzkill of Bull Shit Industries (BSI) about there being a toxic waste leak. He assures her that he’s a goddamn scientist and is aware of the situation, but at the same time their scientists discover that some dandelions have been mutated by the leak. April’s cameraman Freddy is a snitch reports back what he heard to Shredder, who decides to question Perry.

Meanwhile back at April’s apartment, Splinter shares with her and the turtles of a can of mutated whoop-ass (referred to as “Ooze” by the Turtles) which transformed them into Ninja Turtles, 15 years prior was created by BSI. OK fine its not really Bull Shit Industries and the  While still a buzzkill reminds me of the teacher on Ferris Bueller who is actually Jordan Perry of Techno Global Research Industries (TGRI). For the rest of the article I will refer to him as Professor Buzzkill. The Foot kidnaps Buzzkill, and managed to grab the last of the ooze. Later on Keno enter April’s apartment as a pizza deliverer and easily discovers the horribly hidden turtles.

Starting to Interest Me

At Shredder’s hideout, Buzzkill uses the remaining ooze against his will on a wolf and snapping turtle, which become Tokka and Rahzar. The turtles search for a new home April’s safety is in jeopardy. Leonardo and Raphael which prompts Raphael in leaving the group. Michelangelo thinks he finds a possible hideout when coming across an abandoned subway station. Against Splinter’s requests Raphael and Keno search for the Foot Clan hideout. Their plan is fails when Raphael is caught. Keno is able to escape to tells others what happened. The other Turtles come to rescue Raphael, but Shredder and the Foot are waiting for them. Splinter is in time to save them, but leaves when Tokka and Rahzar appear, who can’t be defeated at the time. Donatello runs into Buzzkill and them and the other three strategically withdraw from the area. Back at their base, Buzzkill explains the ooze was an accident, which was a downer to Donatello, who thought it was a calling for greatness.

Tokka and Rahzar
Close Up of Shredder in Secret of the Ooze

Thank God For Eminem

Shredder releases Tokka and Rahzar to inflict damage on the city. Freddy the snitch sends an ultimatum to April that Tokka and Rahzar will be unleashed to Central Park if by the next day the Ninja Turtles aren’t at the construction site. Buzzkill develops some antidote to the Ooze and Leonardo and Michelangelo trick Tokka and Rahzar into eating it. They aren’t fooled and retaliate back at them, throwing Raphael into a dance club. A big fight breaks out in the club and eventually Tokka and Rahzar are turned back into their natural state, while Vanilla Ice performs the “Ninja Rap” which is spectacularly awful. I didn’t think he could top Ice Ice Baby bad, but that’s exactly what he did. That magnificent bastard.

A Major Let Down

Shredder threatens a citizen with the last of the ooze, but Keno and the turtles had to ruin it with an epic guitar solo sending Shredder on a highway to hell. When they go to where his body landed they discover that Lord Shredder(Voldemort reference) has returned as “Super Shredder” which sounds terrifying to be honest. If he is anything like his name implys then super shredding his enemies has got to sound awfully painful. He is ultimately defeated  when a support structure collapses on him that he knocked down try and kill the turtles, sacrificing himself.

Super Shredder Gets Smashed by Falling Column

The Best Part AKA The End

During a press release, April reads a note written by Buzzkill, grateful that the turtles were there to rescue him. When they arrive home, they explain to Splinter that no humans detected them. Splinter shows them that evening’s newspaper showing them on the cover. He makes them do flips as punishment, chanting Go Ninja, Go Ninja, Go!” replying that he “Made another funny” as the scene pauses right before the end of the film.

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